Fair warning: This is a post where I talk about “Twilight.” Yes, that terribly written, thinly veiled Mormon screed about artificially sweetened vampires falling in love with klutzy, clueless high school girls. Sorry if you enjoy that kind of tripe. (Actually, no, please get some better reading materials where neutered vampires don’t sparkle).
I have never read these books. The closest I’ve come is reading tumblr posts mocking book excerpts. I have never seen the movies, aside from a five-minute lapse into insanity where I stumbled across the first movie on TV and wondered at how terribly acted it all was. I do know the general plot summaries of each book and am familiar with a lot of the problematic themes and just god-awful storylines, though.
Entertainment Weekly, which sucks this franchise’s dick every few months whenever a new installment comes out, just released new stills for the final “Twilight” film (final-fucking-ly); this one centers around the mystical vampire baby of Bella and Edward, Renesmee (buh?).
A mystical vampire baby that an ADULT MALE FALLS IN LOVE WITH.
I am unable to can.
Look, I knew this particular storyline happened in the books. And I find it incredibly disturbing, I don’t care how fast Stephanie Meyers has that baby grow up (until she magically stops aging at an appropriate age where she’ll look young and gorgeous forever, I’m sure)–THAT IS A FUCKING BABY. No grown man should ever look at an infant child and determine that she is his soul mate and that, in some distance (soon?) future, HE WILL HAVE SEX WITH THAT BABY.
Anyway, I knew this was happening, but the realization that this is going to actually be played out on screen, to an enraptured audience of tween girls and sex-deprived mothers everwhere, didn’t actually hit me–until I saw these photos. And I wanted to shrivel up and die of asphyxiation from not being able to stop laughing.
Edward, Bella, please, there is a man staring at your little daughter like he wants to eat her. Shouldn’t you be a little concerned this guy is already fantasizing about hooking up with her? He should not be hanging out around her. THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Oh, no. He’s already putting the moves on her like a creepy uncle. Do you see, little girl? Do you see in his eyes that he’s already calculating in his head how many years until he can impregnate you with his WEREWOLF FETUSES?
Only one thing could make this photo more skeezy.
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don’t you–oh, I see you’ve already taken a seat over there.”