Ho-ly crap. If you watch “The Walking Dead” on AMC, then you know the season 2 finale aired Sunday night, and if you’re like me, you were caught between “OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME” and “OH MY GOD I WANT TO PUNCH THESE PEOPLE.”
It’s a common feeling I have watching this show. But regardless, the show has taught me a lot about what I should do in a zombie apocalypse. Allow me to share.
1. Don’t be a woman.
Really, that’s it. Don’t be a woman. It’s like the no. 1 rule of Zombie Apocalypse Club: don’t be a woman. Men think you’re useless because you have a vagina and must be too stupid and weak to protect yourself or anyone else, and they’ll probably try to ditch you or leave you behind so they can go off and have their all-male circle jerk or something. ‘Cause it’s not like needing to repopulate the human species might be necessary in the future or anything. Men won’t even bother to make sure you can use a gun when conducting target practice, ’cause you should be doing laundry or something, and even if you make an effort to learn, they’ll constantly take your guns and ammo from you (thanks, Dale). And they’ll give it to a freakin’ child because, obviously, he’s a male, and would never do anything stupid like taunt a zombie and lead him to your base camp.
Also, if you’re of the female species and you wander off, you’re fucked. You will be zombified. Immediately. You might be a child, Sophia, and that could explain why you stupidly left a hiding place to roam the forest by yourself with zombies on the loose, but, look, Carl’s a dumbass child too, and he’s skipping through the woods and the fields alone, even during a lockdown, but somehow he still survives (god, why does he continue to live?). I can only assume this is because he has a penis.
2. Don’t be a child.
Children are annoying. They’re even more annoying in a zombie apocalypse, as evidenced by Sophia and Carl. Adults are worried about not dying by zombies, and also trying not to get shot in the back by other adults because apocalypses make people crazy. No one has the time or the energy to worry about stupid children and whether they’re getting their play time in for the day.
Also, kids can’ t listen to directions. If you’re a child and can’t sit still for five minutes, you’re going to lead everyone in the group on a futile man hunt and get them stuck at a boring farm for half a season only to discover, hey, you’ve actually been dead this whole time. Or you’re going to lead zombies to your location and instigate a showdown where people not only die, but the one safe place with food and water and shelter gets overrun by walkers and burned to the ground. Way to go, Carl.
3. Don’t worry about knowing how to use a gun.
Guns will be important in a zombie apocalypse because you’ll need something to kill those bastards with from a distance. But don’t bother learning how to use one. Sure, you can do target practice for a couple hours one day, making sure to waste ammo in the process (which is mostly limitless until a plot point calls for a dearth of bullets), but listen–it won’t be necessary.
Because you’ll still be an amazing shot, despite having hardly used a gun before or having never touched one. You’ll be able to hit multiple zombies with kill shots while hanging out of a car window, driving in circles because, you know, physics and shit won’t matter in an apocalypse. You’ll be able to hit a zombie dead through the face despite the fact that you thought it wasn’t necessary to practice using a gun because, really, there’s just so much laundry to do, and, honestly, the menfolk will always be around to protect you. You’ll be able to blow a walker’s head off right over your dad’s shoulder without also blowing his brains out, despite being a dumbass kid and like two feet shorter than everyone around you.
So, instead of target practice, use that time to peel some carrots or throw rocks at a zombie, you know–do something useful.
4. Don’t worry about using logic.
Also not necessary. If you used common sense, you could probably mostly avoid zombie attacks, but what would be the fun in that? No, forget logic. Act irrationally and without much forethought. That’s the only way to instigate tense, panic-induced moments and face-offs with other survivors as well as zombies.
Did you decide, out of the goodness of your heart, to save an unknown teenager from a rogue group who abandoned him to be devoured by walkers? Then did you decide for some reason he’s a threat because he will run away and bring his group back to kill you all and overrun the farm–even though said group ditched him and you showed him mercy? Then, naturally, you should toy with his life, torture him, leave him–tied up and unarmed–to potentially die in a zombie-infested water treatment facility only to rescue him again, threaten to execute him, going so far as to cock a gun at his head–but ultimately, let him live, chained by himself in an abandoned barn.
Because, yeah, that won’t make him do exactly what you were afraid he would do in the first place.
But don’t worry, despite being stupid as hell, most of your group will live, and you’ll get to go on all these fun adventures as you run for your life. Can’t wait for season 3!