If you’re someone like me who can’t refuse gawking at a horrendous car wreck, then you probably watch “Jersey Shore” too. MTV’s wildly successful “reality” show (Let’s be honest, all reality went out the door once these Guidos and Guidettes became self-aware of their enormous celebrity. Actually, all reality went out the door in the first season when we found out these “Jersey” people weren’t actually from Jersey, but MTV can’t be bothered with that kind of shit, I mean, really. You and your expectations of integrity).
I waffle between finding this show immensely entertaining and hilarious and being disgusted at the gross misogyny every single cast member partakes in. I’ve concluded that it’s both appalling and intriguing. And while the blatant sexism and ignorance makes me want to chuck a controller at Ronnie’s obnoxiously beefy gorilla head, I — and I imagine like a lot of people — continue to watch “Jersey Shore” because there’s nothing more satisfying than a rage boner. Amirite?
Anyway, after three seasons of this orangey spray tan hair gel mess of a show, I figured it was time to blog about the fourth season, which takes the cast to their “homeland” of Italy. I almost wrote that without laughing. Two episodes have already come and gone, so I’m a little late (you haven’t missed much — just imagine a bunch of GTL’ing, but in, you know, that boot-shaped country, with the standard groanings about Sammi/Ronnie’s relationshit — yeah, not a typo, thanks Dane Cook). But as far as I’m concerned, it’s never too late to make fun of people!
In this week’s episode, 60 minutes of simpering one-on-one camera interviews, pandering one-liners and fist pumping can really be boiled down to three important (word used loosely here) story lines: Mike the Situation and Snooki allegedly hooking up, Sam and Ronnie’s inevitable reconciliation and the twin stalkers.
The twin ‘stalkers’
Somehow, Mike’s found the only two girls in Italy who aren’t Italian, because no self-respecting Italian probably wants to hook up with someone who refers to his abs as “The Situation.” But apparently these girls are American tourists — maybe they followed the trail of self-tanner to Italy. The guys on this show constantly hunt down women to have sex with but act disgusted when these women try to follow up with a phone call or a casual date. Human interaction that doesn’t involve alcohol and some self-important meathead sweating all over you? Eww. What are you, a human being who demands respect? Get off this show.
So Ronnie, because being real is what he’s all about, is annoyed by these girls calling to talk to Mike. Instead of just handing the phone to Mike the first time they call like a rational person would do, he hangs up on them repeatedly and roid rages every time they call back. Calling them “stalkers,” he decides to play a prank on his unsuspecting roommate by pretending to be Mike and invites the twins over to hang out. Two things: I’m not sure Ronnie understands the protocol for dealing with stalkers, which I’m certain doesn’t involve inviting them to your place of living. And also, I’m not sure it’s really a prank on someone when said prank really works in the prankee’s favor. Inviting over two girls who Mike wants to get it in with? Oh, okay. I guess Ronnie can’t think of anything more excruciating and hilarious than forcing a guy to deal with a woman while sober — makes sense, considering his and Sammi’s relationship.
The blonde twins do show up later again at a club, to everyone’s “surprise” — everyone being not the producers and cameramen who probably gave the girls directions to where they would be filming that night. At this point, The Situation is certain he’s going to have a threesome, or a menage a twin as he calls it, so he’s laying the groundwork, then out of nowhere, “Blast in a Glass” Deena swoops in and pulls a robbery by making out with one of the twins! Deena gets the girl to come back to their Italian abode, but don’t worry, Deena isn’t a lesbian or anything, just bicurious when she’s drunk. She’s totes still in love with penis. Whew. Because girls aren’t ever really lesbians or bisexuals, they just like to have a good time, and alcohol somehow magically glues their faces to another girl’s. They still like to kneel in worship before the great Penis!
So just when you think Deena’s going to hook up with a chick and wake up crying about it the next morning, somehow the twin ends up in Vinny’s bed. What the hell? It’s either Pass the Twin night or this girl is playing Musical Beds. I don’t even know what’s happening at this point, and of course when Vinny finds a girl on his lap, he asks no questions and just goes with it. But Jersey Turnpiking Deena will have none of that — she found her first!! (err, kind of) — and drags the girl back to her bed. But, oh, good, Deena finally sobers up and freaks out that she’s hooking up with another girl or something and allows the twin to venture back over to Vinny’s bed. I think this is like having sloppy fifths at this point, or more like sloppy, someone else’s regurgitated fifths. Gross.
Ronnie & Sam’s reunion
You knew it was coming, c’mon. Either we’ve all entered an alternative universe where the same shit just keeps happening over and over again, or the producers and the cast have realized there wouldn’t be much drama on this show without these two fighting and crying all the time. I’m guessing the latter. Snooki, who actually encouraged the two to get back together because she’s a masochist and enjoys torturing everyone she loves, inadvertently let slip what I can only assume is a paraphrased directive from MTV producers: “I can’t believe I miss Ron and Sammi’s drama. With out it, it’s just like, ‘This is boring.’” So basically: You guys need to START SOME SHIT.
Because the execs at Not-Music Television headquarters are rolling in all the dirty money they’ve made off this franchise and couldn’t care less how the portrayal of such an obviously abusive relationship could detrimentally affect impressionable people who might find themselves in a similar relationship, they just keep demanding, “More fights! More insults! More pushing and throwing! MORE MORE MORE! Your tears are delicious!”
I don’t even think the producers bothered updating the scripts from last season for these two. After a tame dinner that for some reason Sammi just found sooo “romantical” and took it to mean Ronnie obviously loves her so much, the two start parroting the same crap they said last season. “I’m changed. He’s changed.” “This time I think it’s going to be different.” REALLY? You think it’s going to be different, REALLY? Even though the last two (three? four?) times weren’t, I guess you just start to hope you’ll wear someone down so much, completely destroy each other’s spirits to the point that there just won’t be any more energy to fight, that you’ll just spend the rest of your life with that person secretly wishing they’d just die, just like drop dead or get hit by a car, but even trying to break up with someone at that point takes too much energy, so you’ll just be miserable forever and ever, and then when you’re on your death bed, with your last dying breath, you’ll tell that person, “I hate everything about you.”
How does that quote go? “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Hey, Sammi, Ronnie, you guys have entered Crazy Town, population YOU TWO ASSHOLES, and have constructed a 20-foot concrete wall to keep everyone out and isolate yourselves from SANITY. Cheese on a cracker, you guys.
Snooki & The Situation’s hookup (allegedly)
And I say allegedly for argument’s sake, but really, I’m pretty sure they did have sex. Mike claims the two hooked up two months ago (at the time of the filming), while she was apparently with her current boyfriend. He told this “in confidence” to Ronnie (and the cameras and thus the viewers), who then proceeds to blab it to everyone else (“I don’t want to tell you guys something. But I’m going to tell you guys something. MIKE SAID HE HAD SEX WITH SNOOKI, WHO CHEATED ON HER BOYFRIEND. See? I’m not the only cheater in this house! HAHAHAHA”).
Once Snooki hears from JWoww (what’s her purpose this season, other than to show off her scary new face?) what Mike’s been saying, Snooki flips out and starts screaming, “You’re lying! You’re lying!” Me thinks the Guidette doth protest too much. But really, why would The Situation lie about something like that? Oh yeah, probably for more screen time. Anyway, if it weren’t true, I’m not sure why Snooki couldn’t just laugh it off and, you know, not cry about her boyfriend possibly breaking up with her. I know if someone tried to tell me something that wasn’t true was in fact true, like you know, the earth is flat or the sun revolves around the earth, I would just scoff, “Yeah, okay, if you say so,” and move on.
The other possible scenario is that this whole storyline is fake and causing drama between the two most well-known of the cast is sure to get more ratings. Actually, yeah, that’s probably more likely.
Also, I’m pretty sure the definition of irony is hearing Ronnie aka Cheaty McCheaterson give advice to Snooki about being honest to her boyfriend about what happened. Oy. Is the entirety of their time in Miami one big black hole in his memory now? It’s probably all that damn Xenadrine he’s been hawking.